Emmett and Alice Go to Church
by Nowhere and Quizno's
Summary: The title says it all, although there's a twist. An extremely humorous and somewhat violent twist. Be forewarned--there is language, beloved children of FanFiction.
1. Chapter 1

Esme watched as Emmett moved his thumbs at vampire speed on his Xbox controller, winning yet another race onscreen. She winced as the tires on the game screeched loudly and Emmett jumped up and boomed "I WON!"

"Emmett, sweetie," Esme said with a smile. "I'm sure our neighbors a few miles away are still sleeping."

Emmett whirled around, facing his mother. "Oh, sorry. I've been up all night and didn't realize the time," he smirked, giving his mom a hug that would easily snap a human's bones. "Top of the morning to ya'!" he yelled, stepping away and bouncing downstairs to the kitchen.

Alice was sitting at the kitchen table, absent mindedly flipping through a catalog. "Good morning," she said cheerfully. "What the hell were you and Rose doing last night? Did you ever think about the fact that I live in the same house and can hear that shit?"

"Watch your fuckin' language, Miss Priss," Emmett said, stuffing one of the oranges Esme put on the display in the kitchen into his mouth to see if it would fit.

"Shut your mouth, you immature jerk. Don't you have anything better to do than see what can fit in your mouth? You disgust me," she huffed.

Emmett, the whole orange somehow in his mouth, furrowed his eyebrows. He blew out a hard breath, causing the orange to fly out of his mouth with a popping noise and hit Alice's head. The orange exploded, leaving a nauseating citrus scent in the air while little bits of orange were stuck in Alice's perfectly mussed hair, which was also dripping juice onto her lavender shirt. Every vampire in the room, including Emmett, was frozen in shock as Alice gasped loudly. Emmett started to laugh harder than ever before, gripping his stomach and pointing at Alice.

Alice hesitated and took a sharp breath before squinting her eyes and pouncing. "I'm going to beat the fuck out of you! You corrupted my lavender, you big oaf!" she said, throwing blind punches.

Emmett guffawed as Alice tackled him to the floor, hitting different parts of his body blindly. Sure, she was powerful, but the image kept replaying in his head.

Carlisle and Jasper rushed over to where the two were laughing and fighting, pulling Alice off of the laughing beast that was Emmett. Jasper gave Emmett the death glare but made everyone in the room calm, stopping Alice's shaking and Emmett's guffawing. Jasper wrinkled his nose at the smell of human food.

Esme stormed in with a look of absolute horror on her face. "What is happening in here? Would someone care to explain?"

"It exploded," Emmett said, sounding like a child as he pointed at Alice. He couldn't laugh under Jasper's cloud of calm, but he knew he would be. Alice couldn't give him the look of death either, for which Emmett was thankful.

"This is the final straw. I have had enough of all of your troublemaking. Here we are on a beautiful Sunday morning, and you two have decided to spend your time pestering one another. I refuse to let you'll bicker under this roof any further! I want you both out of this house doing something productive. You can go anywhere, just leave this house. As long as the world stays intact!" she lectured.

"Shit, Esme, what did Carlisle put up your ass?" Emmett muttered.

"Out!" Carlisle insisted.

Emmett rolled his eyes. "Fuck this," he said, grabbing Alice and throwing her over his shoulders and heading for the door.

"What the hell, Emmett?" Alice protested. "We're going to church."

Emmett laughed. He set her down softly. "You've got five minutes to get ready. And we're taking the Jeep." he announced, going into his room.

He changed into a white button down shirt and plaid pants. He smiled smugly. "I look like a fuckin' nerd," he told himself, laughing as he looked in the mirror. Rosalie stepped in the room as he zipped up his pants.

"Shit, Rosie! You're going to make me take off all of these clothes after I just put them on?" he teased.

"You're fucking with me, right?" Rosalie chuckled. "I will never be able to sleep with you again with this picture in my head."

Emmett twirled around to see the reflection of his butt in the mirror. "Rosalie, are you seeing this? This plaid makes my ass look superb! I have to wear these." he said, mesmerized.

"Fine, do what you want. Just know that you're going to have to wear those next time you're a teacher during our role-playing," Rosalie said, kissing Emmett's cheek. "Have fun with Alice. She'll be a total bitch to you," Rosalie grinned.

Emmett turned to her. "Who gives? That orange stunt was bitchin'! My mouth still tastes like shit, though," he pouted as he wrapped his arms around Rosalie.

"You smell like human food." Rosalie said, scrunching her nose at the putrid stench. She pointed toward the door.

"Fine then, I'll be at church." he said. Emmett opened the door and went to Alice's door, knocking loudly.

"What do you want, Emmett?!" Alice said, jerking the door open.

"I said five minutes, Alice! Why the hell do we have to go to church anyway?!" Emmett said as Alice closed the door on him.

Alice stepped out of her room in a black pencil skirt, black high heels and a repulsive black hat. Emmett wanted to throw up. He reached out to touch one of the shiny black feathers protruding from her hat. "What the fuck is this?"

"This is fine headwear!" she huffed. "Not that you would know anything about that, you buzz-cutted moron!"

"Alice!" he gasped. "I do NOT have a buzz cut! Don't you see these fabulous ringlet curls placed atop my beautiful head?" Emmett asked, stroking his curly hair.

"I don't care about your locks of love! That is beside the point. The point is that you have insulted my hat which you shall know I hold very close to my heart. It's precious and it works with all occasions." she gloated.

This isn't the fuckin' Kentucky Derby, Alice!" Emmett wailed. "And Rosalie_ loves_ my hair! So now you SHOULD care about it!" He grimaced at his feeble comeback and stomped downstairs and out the door to his precious red Jeep.

"I'll leave without you!" he yelled out the window, sending a mass of birds flying out of the forest in fright.

"You asked for it." Alice said to herself, putting on a pair of long black gloves from her purse. She bolted out of the door and followed the Jeep from a far distance. Emmett looked in his rearview mirror and saw Alice. He slammed the pedal down as Alice ran faster. "You'll see what happens when you fuck around with Alice Cullen!" she said screamed.

Emmett laughed at her angry face. He was very glad Rosalie had put in that new higher-speed engine. "Catch me if you can, Aretha Franklin!" he yelled out the window.

That just made her chases faster and faster until eventually she was side-by-side with Emmett. "I could go like this all day. Pull over and I won't hurt the car." she demanded.

Emmett glanced incredulously from the front window to Alice a few times. He didn't want his precious Jeep in any harm, so he swerved over, hearing a thud as Alice hit the car and went flying backward. This had happened before--he knew she wouldn't make a dent. Emmett smiled evilly as he saw Alice fly into a tree trunk.

"Eat bark, bitch!" Emmett yelled, laughing heartily.

Alice pulled herself out of the tree and brushed her clothes off. "I'm glad you're being so civil about this." she said sarcastically. She got in the car and frowned. "Now I have woodchips in my favorite hat. I'll apologize if you do." she said extending her hand.

Emmett pursed his lips thoughtfully at the pale hand in front of him, but shook it anyway. "Sorry, Aretha. I mean Alice," he said, dropping her hand quickly and hurtling the car back onto the road.

"You're forgiven. I'm excited. I've never actually been to a church before. I heard they're supposed to be very peaceful." she said.

"Not this one," Emmett mumbled.

"What do you mean by that?" she asked suspiciously.

"You'll see when we get there," Emmett said quietly. "Hey, question." He didn't wait for Alice to respond. "Won't the church people know we're vampires? Shit, are they gonna pull out the garlic? That stuff smells worse than the dogs over in La Push."

"How on Earth would they know?" Alice asked. "We are going out for a morning of pure, clean, and human bonding."

"I get enough of that with Bella," Emmett said, grinning.

"'Hey Bella, want to see how high you can fly on the trampoline?'" Alice quoted. "Oh, and, 'Hey Bella, how many blueberries does it take to make a human throw up?' are not bonding. That falls under the category of 'Harassing Human for Emmett's Twisted Enjoyment,'" she said.

"Shut up! That was fun! And Edward was so pissed, man..." He trailed off, laughing at the memory. "At least she doesn't smell like oranges," Emmett said, wrinkling his nose pointedly at Alice.

"No, Emmett, she does not. She also does not have the power to rip your testicles off!" she barked.

"Jesus Christ!" Emmett yelled, not realizing that he had just passed the church. Oh, the irony. "Shit, I missed the turn because of you, you little strange-dressing _bitch_!"

"I would close your mouth before I....wait a second! What is that church's name?" she asked, slightly startled.

"It's Bruce Leroy's Get Up and Go Gospel, Alice. Aren't you excited?" Emmett asked, bouncing slightly in his seat with sudden anticipation.

"That sounds like the strip club to which you tried to take Jasper," Alice observed. She thought for a second. "Maybe the priest doubles as a pimp!" she exclaimed.

"You couldn't be a priest if you were a pimp. Or vice versa. God would know and he'd kick you out of the church," Emmett told Alice seriously as he pulled into one of the last parking spaces in the lot.

"I have to admit Emmett. That is an excellent point. I'm sorry I ever doubted you," she said, admiring his theory.

Emmett slammed on the brakes, parking perfectly in the space. Alice's hat flew off and onto the dashboard. "What the F? Did you just actually apologize for thinking I'm stupid?" Emmett cheered.

"Well I think I did. I think I feel some spiritual healing coming on." she said, breathing deeply. "We're going to be late for the semen," she warned.

"Sermon," Emmett corrected, laughing uncontrollably.

"Does it _really_ matter?" Alice asked, slightly offended. Emmett did not reply for a moment. Alice could hear people talking inside the church already.

"Boats and hoes," Emmett sang lowly under his breath. Alice just looked at him as though he was a lunatic, yet the look was expectant. "Come on. Don't make me say it again," he whined, embarrassed.

"Were you watching that horrific movie again? That doesn't even deserve the title of 'feature film'!" Alice cried as they approached the church.

"You know you like it," Emmett grinned deviously. "Besides, who can resist Will Ferrell?"

"Grown men should not be sporting such juvenile ensembles," Alice clipped in reply. "I personally do not enjoy the incredible lack of talent and hard work they put into the movie _Stepbrothers._"

"You know you like it," Emmett repeated. "Let's go. We'll be late for the service. God forbid we miss the service!" he screamed, trying to imitate a woman's voice.

Alice huffed and strutted into the church, her heels clicking against the cement. The talking only vampires could hear outside of the church was getting louder as they approached the huge double doors.

"After you," Emmett said, motioning like Vanna White as he opened the door for Alice.

"May God be with you for your kind actions, Emmett," Alice said sarcastically as she stomped past him. However, she stopped at the sight of the church's interior.

Emmett didn't really notice anything too bad about the dirty white shag carpet, dusty pews and brownish stained-glass windows.

"Emmett," she said slowly. "Where on Earth are we? I remember you saying we were going to a church, and I may be mistaken, but this does not resemble a house of God."

"God is everywhere," Emmett said in a voice like that of a football announcer. A few of the grossly obese women in shiny crimson robes turned around to look at him strangely.

"Well where do we go now? I don't see any clean chairs to sit on," she whined.

"They're called pews, Aretha," Emmett said, grabbing her hand and dragging her into a dark wooden pew in the back of the large room.

"You must be joking. These are....benches." she said, disgusted. "Benches are for Turkish prisoners. Do they honestly expect us to sit on this willfully?"

"Alice, do you seriously think I'm joking? These things are durable," he said, bouncing on it lightly and making it squeak. "Rose and I could have sex on these things..." he pondered.

"That's not saying much. You morons could fornicate anywhere. You both have the hormones of humans and absolutely no class. No wonder she doesn't take you out in public." Alice huffed.

"Well, you took me out in public," Emmett said, grinning devilishly as he raised one eyebrow and nudged Alice with his left elbow.

"Well that was not actually my decision as you may recall. I'm still not sure of the exact point of us being here. As if we of all people need fucking spiritual counseling," she said angrily.

A few more of the women in the cheap red robes turned to shoot a look at them, this time an angry one.

"Is this 'cause I'm black?" Emmett wanted to say to them, but considering he and his sister were the only two white people in the church, that probably wouldn't have been a good idea. He turned to Alice.  
"You need spiritual counseling, my dear sister. That hat of yours is a grotesque way of making a statement," he said, narrowing his eyes as he became smug with his newfound intelligence.

"I would be more than happy to whoop your ass right here but the sem—_sermon_ is starting. Just keep your mouth shut and maybe the time will pass quickly." she lectured hopefully.

"I'll never keep my mouth shut, motherfucker," he said with a huge grin as his eyes darted around the church. The congregation was starting to silence itself as a man almost as big as Emmett walked up to the podium in front of the choir, pushing his glasses up on his nose.

Alice poked her elbow in his rib and shushed him. The preacher began to speak. "Good day to all you folk here in the crowd, and thank you for making Bruce Leroy's Get Up And Go Gospel your one and only choice for your religious fulfillment," he said in a rough and throaty voice.

Emmett's eyes flickered to the large telephone-booth-like boxes to the left of the choir and the huge brass organ. Confessionals, his mind supplied. Alice nudged him in the ribs again, and he rolled his eyes and averted them back to the man at the front.

"Now, we shall start with some good old singing from our choir, and then those who feel like they have been carrying sin on their backs may proceed to the confessionals to release it all," he bellowed. "Now please enjoy the vocal styling of our head singers; Marteesha, Lacrusha, and Tabitha." he said, indicating to the heavy black women slowly waddling to the podium. "Everyone take out your hymnals and turn to page 346," the preacher said before leaving the stage.

_Confessionals were private rooms? _Emmett thought to himself. At the word private, he immediately though back to last night's erotic activities with his beloved wife and dashed to the confessionals at vampire speed before Alice could stop him. No one noticed his quick dash as his pants became tighter by the millisecond.

Alice heard the slamming of a door and spun around. For some reason or another, Emmett had fled to the confessionals. She got her purse and quietly walked over. She turned the doorknob but Emmett had locked it from inside. She figured ripping the door off the hinges would cause too much of a distraction, so she patiently stood by the door, tapping her foot.

Emmett was enjoying pleasuring himself do much that he did not hear the ridiculously loud moans and groans he was making, some of them forming his wife's name. He wanted to pull another one of his, er, "jobs" before he stepped out of the confessional and quietly returned to the pew with Alice, going at vampire speed so no one could see them, but he had to go back before he was noticed. However, the whole choir had stopped at the sounds of his pleasured noises, but saw no one at the confessionals.

"May I ask what in the white Oprah dipped in diarrhea hell was going on in those confessionals?" Alice hissed in a pressing tone.

"I'm sorry! Little Emmett needed some attention after thinking about how...durable...the pews were, okay!" Emmett hissed.

"Right......" she said suspiciously. "Can you please sit through the singing? These women actually sound like they have a very strong set of pipes."

"Pipes up their asses," he mumbled, turning the same obnoxious heads of the churchgoers in front of him.

"Shut your filthy pre-pubescent weasel boy mouth and please try to keep your attention focused on something for a bit longer. You have no idea how disappointed we were when Carlisle informed us that A.D.D. medicine would not dissolve in your system. That was a very dark day…" she Alice trailed off, recalling the sadness.

"Shut your whore mouth. The dude is still doing the sermon," he whispered harshly.

"Emmett, I'll warn you once. One more swear word, and I will, and I do quote, take out your brains and use your hollowed out skull as a bowl. If I were a human, I would use said brain bowl to eat Fruity Pebbles while watching the Flintstones," her tone challenging him to reply.

"I'll hold you to that, you hypocrite," he said with a mischievous grin.

The hefty woman in the lead cleared her throat and signaled to the audience. Everyone grabbed the book in front of them and flipped to the required page. She opened her mouth wide and Emmett softly flinched.

"Oh, Lord, you lift me up," the woman belted. "You let your river of love run through me, and you settle in my meadows..." Her strong voice ran through various pitches, causing Emmett to wince but laugh as he heard the slight innuendos in the lyrics of the hymn.

"What are you chuckling about now? Or is that your classic 'Emmett Has To Make A Tinkle Face?'" she mocked.

"I'm a vampire, Aretha. I can't piss anymore. However, and since I just checked I know that this is true, I can ejaculate semen at a rate of—" He stopped when Alice slapped the back of his head with more brute force than he could exert.

Although she was extremely dissapointed in his childish antics he could just hear her mumbling something about her husband's penis.

Emmett suddenly had the urge to break something as the fat woman's singing rose to a loud, high crescendo. The first things in his line of sight were those obnoxious people in front of him, but breaking their necks would probably cause quite a disruption. The pews were more durable than he thought, and so he looked to the dirty stained-glass windows on his right. Suddenly, he launched himself, fist out, into the window, effectively shattering the window and denting the wall's infrastructure. He'd returned to his seat before the sound waves had traveled far enough to be heard over the horrible hymn singing.

Several gasps were heard and frantic chatter was exchanged between the poor unsuspecting humans. They never asked for this. They never saw it coming. They never wanted this. They never expected that Emmett, the dipshit, had ever walked the Earth.

Emmett wore a shit-eating grin that he just couldn't hide, so he covered his mouth as all of the prejudiced, hypocritical churchgoers eyed him suspiciously, only because he and his sister were the only two white people in the church.

"Look what you've done now." Alice did not turn her head as she spoke. "We need to blend in. Oh, fuck. Here comes the collection thing-a-ma-jig. Make a donation," she insisted.

"You're the one with the credit cards!" he told her. "And I thought _you_ spent too much. Damn. That Xbox Live bill was almost a house payment for a lower middle class single mother in a two-story shit shack," Emmett said, whistling lowly at the thought of the expenses from last month.

"Well there we have it. Halo has turned on you. Up your ass, Cullen." Alice snorted.

"Dior by John Galliano shall forever haunt you, you mall-slut, Brandon, you," he replied snidely.

"He's amazing. He's fabu. And no, fucktard, that's not Shamu's cousin. It means fabulous," she affirmed, disgusted by her own brother's lack of taste and simple elegance. She thought she had raised him well.

"Oh, go fuck yourself," he chuckled. "Or just get Jasper to give you some sugar," he said, poking her in the side.

The two hadn't noticed that the whole church had stopped to listen to their conversation. The ushers had been urging them to go ahead and collect the money from the two, so everyone was paying attention to them, their mouths agape at the banter between the vampires.

Alice shuffled through her bag and pulled out a small stack of fuchsia post-it notes, a fur-covered pen, and a dark pink gift card with the word _PINK _in giant letters. The note had a terse sentence in Alice's pretty handwriting: "Get some new robes."

"That counts for both of us, right?" Emmett asked warily as the ushers gave Alice the most confused look he'd ever seen. At Alice's nod, Emmett took it upon himself to use the gold collections plate like a Frisbee and throw it to the other usher waiting at the end of the pew. Emmett had always underestimated his own strength, however, and the heavy, solid metal bowl spun at top speed and rammed straight into the usher's stomach, hitting him so hard it made a dent identical to the one Emmett had made right next to it just minutes earlier. The man collapsed and slid to the floor, his eyes rolling back in his head as the money flew all over the floor, making a sound like metallic rain.

"Oopsie," Emmett mumbled, eyes wide.

Keep your chin high. That hit was fair. I must admit. Above the belt is nothing to cry about. Are those tears? We'll I'll be. Excuse my language. Pussy." Alice said, smiling at her own sinful words.

"Well, Alice, your brother is quite proud," Emmett exclaimed as the silent church started to tend to the wounded man and start a loud commotion. He bumped his huge fist with his sister's small, thin one. "Seems like I'm teaching you well, sis." He smiled smugly.

"Why thank you. I'm starting to think Esme had some rhyme and reason for this event," she pondered.

"Well, you fucked that up, didn't you? Stupid little pixie... rhyme or reason..." he grumbled and sighed as the congregation quieted and settled back down after an ambulance had picked up the injured man.

"There goes the bonding. Well, who will stand in for the poor man that you almost castrated?" Alice asked, her question slightly sounding like a lecture. Right as she spoke, the head of choir approached the podium. "If you could all open up your hymnals we can sing some good tunes of hope and righteousness," she exclaimed, her voice slightly too loud for Alice and Emmett's delicate eardrums.

Alice was so irritated with Emmett that she snatched the hymnal off of the shelf, accidentally tearing the book in half as she opened it. Emmett gasped. "Fuck!" he exclaimed, laughing as the whole church stopped yet again to look at the two pale white idiots in the back of the church. Suddenly, everyone put the pieces together, and the vampires could see the realization set in on their now angry faces. The moaning in the confessionals and the broken hinges on its door; the shattered stained-glass window, the two dents in the wall, the ambulance outside, and now the torn hymnal were all proof that they two morons in the back had done this.

"Oh Lucifer! Come get her! We have a sinner! I repeat: we have a sinner!" Emmett bellowed suddenly, his voice echoing through the church. Alice grabbed him by the lapel of his shirt and darted out of the doors, breaking the hinges in the process.

"The fuck?!" Emmett yelled as the congregation gathered at the broken doorway, yelling after them as Alice pushed Emmett down onto the ground so hard it cracked the cement.

"I think you need a five minute cool-down. Sit on that curb and take deep breathes even if they are not necessary for your lungs." she insisted. He reluctantly sat down and began to tap his fingers on his knees.

"Who said I need to cool down?" he grumbled, mumbling. "You're the one rippin' up the church materials just because you're stupid," he said, sticking out his tongue. The heel he had absentmindedly been kicking into the ground had created a four-foot-deep hole in the pavement.

"Well if it helps, I will tell you that I had a bit of fun tonight. Just a tad," she admitted.

"It's only noon, Alice," Emmett laughed, noticing that they were faintly sparkling in the small amount of midday sunlight, and that the screaming people had reduced their voices to a low murmur at the sight.

"Shit. I look like a fag," Emmett huffed, standing up and nearly tripping in the street hole he had just created. "Let's go to the car," he said, linking arms with Alice.

"Well, Emmett," Alice sighed. "I think we're more Presbyterian material." she laughed, as they walked arm-in-arm away from the curb.

"Fuck yeah. Let's be cheesy," Emmett said, as they skipped through the slightly sunny parking lot.


	2. Chapter 2

Yo.

It's Emmett Cullen and I just wanted to apologize for puncturing your stomach with the collections plate. Although it was a little funny I wanted to say sorry and my little sister is up my ass about it so now I'm writing you this letter. I do not know if you are aware but you are very top heavy. If there is anything I can do just give me a holla. And since you probably can't do any baby-making at this point, I'll name my first-born after you. Scratch that… I ain't changing no baby diapers so I'll just pick up a turtle at the corner store and dedicate it to you. Oh, yeah, and Rose doesn't have any functioning ovaries. But you don't know Rose…yeah. She's my wife anyway, and I like to bang her. Because she is a very bangable woman, my friend. Oh, wait… I'm probably not your friend after our journey together, or, rather your journey into the wall of the church. So yeah. Anyway. Uh huh. Maybe we could chill sometime… or not… just… drink a lot of fluids and don't overload your bedpan.

God bless, homey. Your favorite bitch-ass muthafucka, Em.


End file.
